It’s different from … say … that you have a concrete vision for your activity each year, right?
I don’t do it at all. I like to think about ‘to live’ in an ideological sense. It is difficult to reach an answer, but sometimes I have a moment when I feel I’m close to the answer. However, it isn’t linked to the idea that ‘I will live on in this way’.
-It seems to be different.
Yes. For example, can you easily answer the question: Why are human beings living?’
-Because I was given birth? Hmm …
I haven’t found the answer to ‘why I’m living’, but I noticed that there’s no such thing as ‘an answer’. Moreover, I noticed that if there’s no answer, I can make a decision. I can decide the reason why I’m living by myself. And when you get down to it, nobody has his own heart beat by thinking ‘I will make my heart beat!’ nor did he/she start his/her life thinking ‘Now, I will live!’ right? In other words, we are ‘made to live’ by some mysterious power. Then it can be said that one is truly living his/her life only when one has a clear thought that ‘This is what I’m living for’ in his/her own way … Thinking about such a thing is my favorite.
-You’ve said that before, I know. But it seems, depending on each one’s view point, kind of cruel, or too cool way of thinking. Don’t you think so?
Absolutely. Knowing that, still, I see things around me like that and I think it’s natural.
-Have you always been like that? Or after you were disappointed at something?
Not disappointed or something like that, but by simply getting to the core it, I’ve become like this. Basically this has always been my way of thinking, I feel.
-As for me, I often said to others, ‘Why am I myself and not able to know others as I know myself?’ …
I understand! It’s a familiar story but people ask: Does the world exist because I am here, or do I happen to be in the world that exists first? You understand only yourself and you’re not sure if the world spreading in front of you actually exists there or not. It might be that you’re looking at what is going on just in your brain … I’ve been thinking that kind of thing since I was an elementary student.
-I see. (lol) Then, usually people can’t find the answer and come to agonize. So I think you are great because you’ve reached an answer after thinking thoroughly about the reason to live.
In my teens, I was rather agonizing because I couldn’t have the answer. But now, I’ve reached an obscure answer that ‘I can decide it’, so I feel kind of settled.
-By the way, how about ‘death’?
Naturally, when you are asleep, you lose consciousness, right? I think ‘death’ means you don’t wake up after that. ‘Nothing’, I should say. I don’t believe in the afterworld.
-Are you afraid of ‘death’?
At this moment, I’m not afraid. But if death becomes factual, say, if I had a gun shoved at me, I’d get scared, I suppose.
-That answer is characteristic of Takeru-kun.
That reminds me that though it was not that I was in despair or disappointed about anything, when I was an elementary school student, I thought I would answer ‘I want the earth to disappear all at the same time, bam!’ if I was asked, ‘What if one of your dreams should come true?’ If I should die alone, everyone around me would be sad. If my friends should die, I would be sad. So it was definitely the best way that all of us, without even knowing or feeling pain, disappear at the same time, I was convinced.
-When you were an elementary school student?
Yes. (lol) I don’t think so now. If someone tells me one of my dreams will come true, I will say something much happier. I often tell this story to my friends and they say, ‘Well, that’s what you say.’
-Do you think something like ‘I can die here and now’ after you’ve come to have a more realistic image of ‘death’ than those days?
Honestly, I sometimes feel I can die now because I’m so happy. And even now, I wish everything could vanish, bam!
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