Toshiya’s interview in Ongaku to hito May 2013

Toshiya’s interview in Ongaku to hito May 2013

-I think it was about one year ago that Dir en grey stopped activity. Do you remember what you were doing at that time?

Toshiya: That’s right. I think I intended to think……… about various things. Not like I needed to think about things, rather it was like…….. have I come to a time personally when I should be thinking about these things? 

-About the band, and yourself.

Toshiya: That’s right. Because I had that chance, and there were things that normally I would try not to think about, I thought about trying to think about those things. There probably wouldn’t be an answer but I thought I’d try to stop averting my eyes from them. 

-Specifically, what kind of things were you trying to not think about?

Toshiya: Um……. For example things like “until when will this band continue?” “until when can we do it?”. Also, things about myself. Those things especially there is no answer to and something that no one can understand. 

-If a band you’d be doing for 16 years stopped, it would be like that wouldn’t it.

Toshiya: But, I honestly have no feelings like fear about the band stopping. It’s mysterious, but I think that normally when something that has been going for 15, 16 years suddently stops, then it’s scary. But, its like I haven’t felt scared at all.

-I see, thinking about things you don’t normally think about, did you find any conclusions in your own special way?

Toshiya: Yes, in the end I did, about what I want to do. That I want to do the band, I want to do music, but that’s not all. Some other way that I can express myself….. Thinking that up until now there should have been chances for me to try expressing myself in ways other than the band and music, but I never took advantage of them. ……..everyone’s has times they’ve thought “am I okay the way that I am?” Right?

-Yeah that’s right.

Toshiya: I’ve had that thought too. I thought that with this chance I should make something to expand my own range. While thinking that it it was the right timing now for doing that, I spent the time worrying endlessly. But because if I was only thinking about it no answer would come, I did straightforward stuff like meeting various people and talking to them.

-After going through that break, when it was time to work with the other members again had anything about you changed?

Toshiya: Yes I had changed. Like………….Inside of me, the way that I prepare myself for the worst  changed.

-Related to the band?

Toshiya: That’s right. In a big way, the band. Also, putting it simply, I’m very glad that having a break with that timing that I could reaffirm who I am as a person. The break became a reaffirmation for myself, and questions about myself were born…… In other words like, that living is not something simple. 

-So you mean you ended up thinking about the meaning of life?

Toshiya: That’s right. When I begin thinking about something I tend to over think it to a stupid extent. (Laughs)

-Starting the tour, was there anything that left an impression on you? Like standing on stage for the first time or something during the tour?

Toshiya: Putting it simply, seeing the fans. I felt very happy, very grateful. That kind of grateful feeling overflowed in me. I was thinking “Wow, there’s people who would wait this long for us?” so I felt grateful.

-What was your impression of the five of you standing on stage?

Toshiya: Hmmm……… well, like it’s obvious (that’d we’d be standing on the stage all together) but, its not. Ofcourse since we’ve been doing this band together for 15 years it feels like its obvious that we’d be together. But that feeling has stopped…… I mean, it’s not that we didn’t see each other during the break but, of course, all five of standing together on the stage seems like something that goes without saying, but really it isn’t. We don’t know when something bad will happen again and the band will have to stop, so its not something that goes without saying. (2)

-So in other words you guys have a special relationship?

Toshiya: That’s right.

-Doing it up to now with everything, with the things that seem obvious, and being together, there have been tiresome times right?

Toshiya: Yeah, there’s been many times like that.

-Or rather, The tiresome relationship everyone has in the band has become part of its personality, a special characteristic.

Toshiya: That’s right……..　what is that I wonder. (laughs)

-Is it tough? Doing the band?

Toshiya: Yes it’s tough. From the start there was never the feeling of doing the band with close friends. I never thought the band would continue this long. It’s just… I don’t really understand but……. with tangled threads, it would be tough to return to the past.

-That’s right.

Toshiya: Of course, if you’ve been in the same band for this long, there’s bound to be times that things don’t go well. At those times, that’s what I think.

-Dir en grey has many hidden parts, but I think that you’re incredibly honest in your sound and lives etc. It’s like the inside of the band, and something about each member, those things are relatively completely shown.

Toshiya: That’s right, I think that we’re honest.

-I think that in last year’s tour final, and your latest release, you could feel the band’s current situation being expressed in that way. What do you think personally?

Toshiya: Personally, I think it was a really great tour. How should I put it…… like we could shake free, become unbound, in a good way.

-You mentioned “tangled threads” before did you not? I also think that the band has that kind of setting but, I feel that the threads all perfectly became one on the stage of Tokyo International Forum Hall. What do you think personally?

Toshiya: Hmm….　I think that the five of has have had completely different births, and upbringings, and probably our only common ground is music. And, coming together, music connects us, and it’s like in that music we are looking for our own salvation. It’s the same with our previous lives(last year), and that’s what I was thinking while we were making our latest mini album.

-Searching for salvation in music?

Toshiya: Of course, it goes without saying but, I was thinking intentionally about the fact that because there is music, this band exists. We each have our own way of living, and lifestyle, and I think that by nature the five of us definitely can’t be in order together. But what can bring us together in order is the music called “Dir en grey”

-But don’t you ever wish the band was more relaxed? That you had more group discussions, and moved forward efficiently etc?

Toshiya: I have sometimes but, the reality is that we can’t really be like that. …………..speaking unreservedly, none of us have self confidence. I’m the same, we all don’t have self confidence. So, no one will take control, or do things like take responsibility for things by themselves.

-But I think that the structure of a band is essentially that kind of thing. It’s not a nice way to put it but, those kind of guys group together.

Toshiya: That’s right, we have no confidence in ourselves so we do it with someone else.

-However, doing it for a long time with that sort of relationship not changing is very tough, and its difficult for anything to progress.

Toshiya: You don’t make progress.

-And yet why do you think you guys are continuing such a tiresome thing? Looking for salvation in music, and continuing in a band in which how long it will continue for is uncertain.

Toshiya: Inside of me I think that in the end, it’s the correct way for this band to be.

-What do you mean by correct?

Toshiya: That’s something I can’t solve with my own reasoning. Like, I think it’s just something that is correct, inside of me. That equals something to which an answer to will not come forth. For example, I think that if this band had numerical formula-like interest, and beauty, then it would reversely not have the interestingness of human beings would it?

-But aren’t you guys a band who feels tiresomeness in the human parts of the band?

Toshiya: Yes. But in the end, in this band there are things that don’t have a reason. Because there’s no answer like “If I do this, then its right”. When I think about what the power to move people is I think it lies somewhere where there is no sense. Its something which I don’t know how to say, something that can’t be explained in words. I personally feel an attraction to that kind of thing. ……….I mean, I’m really a very argumentative guy. So…….

-So that part of you is attracted to things that don’t have a reason?

Toshiya: I think that’s what it is.

-From the point of view of argumentative you, the band must also be an irritating thing?

Toshiya: Yes……………. I think that to all the members the band is probably a special, or, fixed existence. Because that is there, we are who we are today and suffering because of that is also part of us……

-So you mean its a band which everyone is doing while having that kind of irritation.

Toshiya: That’s right. …. I wonder what exactly a band is. I think we’re bound to this thing called the band, or it’s something that controls us. But up until now I thought that that was natural, and I also can’t play any instruments apart from bass. During the bands break I was searching for what I could do outside of the band but…….. but of course I always end up thinking about the band.

-Yes. I think that kind of thinking is very band-man like.

Toshiya: Is that right? ………..I don’t know at all. (laughs)

-I mean, that means that in the end you’re only thinking about the band doesn’t it? Thinking about the band, and getting irritated, becoming like you don’t like yourself……

Toshiya: Yes yes, Its only that kind of stuff.

-If that’s the case then isn’t this a conversation of how it would be better to quit the band quickly?

Toshiya: Yes yes, that’s really true. But, of course, in that, there’s somewhat of an attachment. You said it before but, I think that bands are gatherings of pitiable people. People doing music, people doing bands. At the point in time when you choose that for your life, if you were to say whether you’re being strong or weak, I think you’re probably being a weak person. So it’s like, together with other weak people you’re groping for something that you can do…….. in other words, its like you’re searching for the light.

-Searching for light with the band?

Toshiya; So I wonder if that’s why no one can quit the band. We could probably do a band with other people. Its the same for the music I like, I think I could do various things. But, I don’t think I could do this kind of music with anyone else. You couldn’t make this kind of band anywhere else. I think that’s something that everyone has thought from the beginning. So because of that………….. maybe we can’t let go of the band.

-That’s right. By the way, Do you ever think things like “I want to return to the band at the time when it was formed" or "That time was good”?

Toshiya: I don’t think like that at all. It’s like rather than thinking like that and wanting to return to the past, even though you don’t know what will happen in the future, stepping forward into the future is better. Of course, being human I think there are many things you don’t notice until you lose them. But losing things or not losing things is dependent on the person, so I think that having the strength to move forward is important.

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